Committment Confusion

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We are slowly approaching that time of year again where the weather begins to get a little cooler. And, for some reason, when the whether seems to drop so do a lot of people’s reluctance to commit!

If you believe in the foundational principles of Darwinism, then it’s safe to assume that this may be due to the evolutionary benefit of having another body to help keep warm and safe during colder climates. If not, you may just chalk it up to people wanting to have someone to share the holidays with. I’m sure there are a plethora of reasons that someone may be more enticed by the idea of being in a relationship during one part of the year versus another; but getting down to the bottom of it isn’t necessarily the premise of this post.

What I really wanted to talk about is the importance (no matter what season it happens to be) of being with someone for the right reasons.

When I say this, I don’t mean that you have to be in a relationship with someone for the same reasons as your parents were together, or grandparents, or your best friend and their significant other, or anyone else that you know who also happens to be in a relationship. Being with someone for the right reasons can ultimately be for your own right reasons, but the idea is that those reasons compliment both of you.

It is important to be with someone who helps bring out your best qualities.

A relationship, in its best form, is a mutually beneficial dynamic between people. And, as we know from past articles I have posted on our blog, Self-Love is one of the first steps in happily being with someone else. We cannot (and should not) expect to fix, or be fixed, by anyone else.

Being in a relationship can be an amazing thing, but it also requires a lot of work. BUT, this work should never involve changing who you are as a person, in order to accommodate to your partner.

I was able to find a great article on key aspects of a toxic relationship. In this article, Carrie L. Burns‘s provided us with some key points to consider when in a relationship

1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re around them?

When you’re around them do you feel content and accepted, or do you feel anxious and misunderstood? Sometimes our relationships can be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, so be careful not to push your judgment of yourself onto your partner.

Determine whether these feelings arise out of their treatment of you, or whether they are insecurities you have no matter who you are with…

2. Are my needs equal in importance to their own?

When you tell your partner something is important to you, how do they react? If you tell your partner, “I really need to spend quality time with you because it makes me feel special,” and they don’t understand what that means and don’t want to know, then perhaps you are not right for each other.

Relationships take two equal parts. If you make your partner’s needs important, then your partner has to do the same or you are in a lopsided relationship and you will never be fulfilled…

3. Are their core values in line with mine?

We all have core principles and values that we live by. These are different for each of us. However, if your partner does not have the same values you have, then there is likely to be trouble in paradise as time marches on. Core values are things you must have in a partner…

4. Do they want to know me? The real me?

I believe everyone has different comfort levels in regard to vulnerability. Some people crave intense emotional intimacy, and some do not.

My parents were married for thirty-four years, and I often wonder how much they really knew each other. They were happy and content, but at times it seemed like a surface relationship because neither was willing to show the other their true self. I don’t judge them because that is what they were capable of. For me though, I want and need more.

Are you capable of showing your partner who you really are on your darkest days? Do they want to know? Do you feel accepted and understood for all your quirkiness and irrationality or whatever your personality traits are?

5. Is my life better with them in it?

Is your partner an asset or a hindrance? Do they support you or suck the life out of you? Do they want you to reach your goals and your dreams, or do they put you down and make you feel like you can’t or won’t accomplish anything?

A partner should be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, and if they aren’t put them on the bench and find a new player. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t believe in you. Don’t take this to mean you should be able to do whatever you want and they should accept it. What it means is you should feel content and supported and loved with this person in your life…

What Do I Want?

Don’t ask these questions just once. Ask them over and over. Ask them in one month. Ask them in six months. Ask them in six years. As much as you love them, and as much as you think they may love you, if they can’t meet your needs, and don’t want to meet them, then you are wasting your time and wasting precious moments of your life…

 

This was just a small excerpt from Carrie’s article. Like what you’ve read so far? Please click on the link “Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make it Work” for the full article!

 

Are you struggling with knowing your worth, a toxic relationship or would like some guidance with self-love, or are you just interested in talking to someone about things going on in your life because you simply feel that you do not as you should? Sometimes having a partner in your journey can help. Give us a call  to set up a free phone consultation at Life Skills Resource Group Orlando at 407-355-7378, and one of our Orlando Individual Counselors, Orlando Life Coaches, Orlando Teen Counselors, and Orlando Child counselors would be more than happy to help you, a family member, or a friend work on changing your life.

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