I remember hearing my parents argue as a kid. When I was in middle school, I used to watch young couples walking together along the beach while holding hands. I thought that whatever they had in that moment was going to fail – my parents’ marriage failed so I concluded that all others would too. I didn’t think that love could last.
Many years later, my heart has seen more of the world and relationships. I have been blessed to know couples that have had long marriages and that over the years have grown in their passion for one another. Now, I do believe in lasting love but I also believe that there are things that can help a relationship thrive. I think that the two basic elements are 1) each person in the relationship owning up to his or her “interior baggage”, being open to ask for help and actually working on it and 2) effort to build up the relationship. But what does “effort” look like?
Recently I was listening to a “Relationship Alive” podcast (Episode 100). Neil Sattin interviews John Gottman who shares a wealth of information from his research on couples and what seems to help and what doesn’t seem to help. Gottman is great at identifying what “effort” in a relationship needs to look like in all dimensions. In this particular interview he shares results from research done across 24 counties. The question was: what are the couples that say they have a great sex life actively doing? Gottman jokes that it is not rocket science. I will let you decided but I think he is right.
I have copied the following from Gottman’s website where he shares some of the simple things that could be classified as that effort to make the relationship grow in love and passion.
Building a Great Sex Life is Not Rocket Science by John Gottman
In an amazing book titled The Normal Bar, authors Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte conducted an online study with 70,000 people in 24 countries. They were curious about what might be different about couples who said that they had a great sex life, compared to couples who said that they had a bad sex life. Even with the limitations of self-report data, there are some fascinating implications of their results.
One thing that’s very interesting to me is how their findings compare to the advice Esther Perel gives in her book Mating in Captivity, and in her clinical work in general, in which she assists couples in improving their sex life. Perel tells couples not to cuddle. She also believes that emotional connection will stand in the way of good erotic connection. This brings me to a key finding from the Normal Bar study.
Fact: Couples who have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are doing the same set of things.
Additionally, couples who do not have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are not doing these things.
Inspired by the Normal Bar study, as well as by my own research studies on more than 3,000 couples over four decades, I’ve identified 13 things all couples do who have an amazing sex life.
- They say “I love you” every day and mean it
- They kiss one another passionately for no reason
- They give surprise romantic gifts
- They know what turns their partners on and off erotically
- They are physically affectionate, even in public
- They keep playing and having fun together
- They cuddle
- They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
- They stay good friends
- They can talk comfortably about their sex life
- They have weekly dates
- They take romantic vacations
- They are mindful about turning toward
In short, they turn toward one another with love and affection to connect emotionally and physically. In the Normal Bar study, only 6% of non-cuddlers had a good sex life. So Perel’s intuition runs counter to international data. What is very clear from the Normal Bar study is that having a great sex life is not rocket science. It is not difficult.
Fact: Couples have a bad sex life everywhere on the planet.
The Sloan Center at UCLA studied 30 dual-career heterosexual couples in Los Angeles. These couples had young children. The researchers were like anthropologists – observing, tape-recording, and interviewing these couples. They discovered that most of these young couples:
- Spend very little time together during a typical week
- Become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)
- Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists
- Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship
- Drift apart and lead parallel lives
- Are unintentional about turning toward one another
One researcher on this project told me it was his impression that these couples spent only about 35 minutes together every week in conversation, and most of their talk was about errands and tasks that they had to get done.
So, if we put these two studies together, what does it tell us? It says that couples should not avoid one another emotionally like Perel recommends, but instead follow the 13 very simple things that everyone on the planet does to make their sex lives great.
Emily Nagoski’s wonderful book Come as You Are talks about the dual process model of sex. In the model, each person has a sexual brake and a sexual accelerator. In some people the brake is more developed, and in some people the accelerator is more developed. It’s important to learn what for you and for your partner steps on that sex brake, that says, “No, I’m not in the mood for lovemaking.”
It’s also important to learn what for you and for your partner steps on that accelerator, that says, “Oh yes, I’m in the mood for lovemaking.” We have a mobile app designed for this purpose. It consists of over 100 questions to ask a woman about her brake and accelerator, and over 100 questions to ask a man about his brake and accelerator. Those questions are also available as one of seven exercises in The Art and Science of Lovemaking video program.
Great sex is not rocket science. By being good friends, by being affectionate (yes, even cuddling), and by talking openly about sex, couples can build a thriving relationship inside and outside of the bedroom.